Last year, I was cleaning and preparing for the 2012
holiday season and my thoughts wandered as they always do during such
chores. I began to wonder “If puppies were given an instruction book to help them in their
mischief, how would it read?” I imagined that it would probably be hidden under
my puppy’s bed and would be a “How To” manual.
Here are a few of what I thought could be “excerpts” taken
from its leaves:
NOTE TO PUP: Be Affectionate! This is rule number
one! Be sure that the humans are
hopelessly fond of you. This requires
sleeping on the lap, cuddling, lapping the face at the right moment, and convincing
them think that you are cute, loving, and affectionate. It is important that they have a strong
attachment to you. This is the
foundation of your emotional control over them and allows you to exercise the
following techniques:
INDOORS
101: Toilet Paper:
This
is an essential skill of puppyhood. It
requires stealth and agility. Do not try
this until at least 3 months old.
Quickly move into the bathroom, and grab the last section of paper in
your teeth. Turn and run as fast as you
can down the corridor, around the kitchen table and back down the hall. (Optional:
Run the paper into the living room.)
The most recent record was 58 feet.
102: You can’t trust me yet!
This
technique requires some self-control. It
is important to go pee outside at least a week and a half without fail. Then, while the boss is looking directly at
you, bark once and then immediately pee on the floor. The boss will think that you had been trying
to tell him that you had to go, and he missed the cue. You’ll be able to get away with this at least
three times if properly executed.
103: Shredding:
Identify
a piece of paper or Kleenex. When
everyone is looking at something else, deftly pull it from its place and
disappear with it into another room. If
you have been successful with the “theft”, shred the paper. Scatter the pieces in a large area—this makes
clean-up more difficult. When
discovered, give the “happy look”. This
technique also works with gloves, hats, socks, pillows, and insoles.
(Note
to pup: The most expensive things are
the best targets.)
103.4 Dog Beds:
Dog Bed Technique |
(Note: Don’t be discouraged, Inexperienced pups take
a little longer.)
104: Wet kitchen floor:
Drink
from your water bowl, carefully submersing your lower jaw into the water. Then, with wild abandon, lift your head and
flick the water on your beard like a child would do with a paintbrush. The objective is to create a glistening arc
of flying water that leaves a long trail across the floor. Done correctly, this will excite your female
human for hours.
(The males are generally less responsive.)
(The males are generally less responsive.)
105: “Mr. Myagi” technique:
Similar
to “wax-on, wax-off” in the Karate Kid, the Mr. Myagi technique is performed after the boss has learned to
recognize your signs for “needing to go” outside but hasn’t gauged how long you
can “hold it”. Make noises and motions
that you have to go out to do your business.
Once successfully outside, go through a few motions of elimination, then
bark to come in. Actual success in “doing
your business” is not necessary. Repeat
the process. The “Mr. Myagi” technique can best be described as “dog-in/dog-out,
dog-in/ dog-out” repeated incessantly.
Nest building |
106.8 “I have a dream”:
This is
especially good if you sleep in the same room as the boss. This technique works
best if the human is completely tired out before retiring. (A person that
hasn’t learned to sleep when you sleep is especially vulnerable to the “I have
a dream” technique.) . In the wee hours of the morning, make “I
have to go out now!” noises and yip once or twice. When the boss turns on the light, pretend
that you are asleep and dreaming—that you are totally unaware that you just
barked. Greatest effect is obtained when
the boss has an important meeting the next morning.
.
OUTDOORS:
203 “Body Slamming” Flower beds:
Body slamming technique |
203a Flowers:
Flowers
are particularly fun to chew because they not only have fragrance, but color.
When the color disappears prematurely, the people in the house go “ballistic”. It’s fun to watch. Care must be taken however, to look absolutely
innocent when the loss is discovered.
This may take practice.
Practice Flower Chewing |
206: Rose Bushes:
Most
owners think that because rose bushes have thorns, that you will not be
interested in doing damage to them. Care
must be exercised, but rose bush excavation is very possible. This method works best when a human
hitches you outside and gets distracted by the phone or other things. Imitating an excavator, start with a small
hole near the bush, and silently proceed to throw as much dirt all over the
immediate area. If you are successful in
this endeavor, they will never find enough dirt to fill the hole again. The last recorded hole exceeded two feet wide
by two feet deep.
207: Hitching post:
This
technique requires a great deal of self-control. When the boss hitches you out on the chain
gang—or on a stake, wait until
everything looks like it is going the way the boss wants. When he/she drops his/her guard, immediately
dig a hole at least 1 foot by 1 foot and two feet deep in the lawn. This is guaranteed produce new words which
are not part of the training vocabulary.
They sound like Chinese.
212: Woodpiles:
Size of
the pile is not important, but as you physically develop, you may want to
increase the size of your “stick”. This
technique almost resembles work—except that it is done in reverse of the actual
human work. Steal a piece of wood and
run across the lawn for about 50 feet.
Chew on it for a moment or two, then leave it, go and steal another
piece. Don’t rush! An average of 30 pieces within 1 hour is a good
“ratio”. Be sure to spread the sticks
far and wide. Above all, do NOT return
any to the pile. Doing so is considered
“bad form” for pups.
Charging through gardens |
213.5 Gardens:
This is
a technique that is very exciting. When
just out of reach of your humans, charge through a newly planted garden as fast
as possible, throwing a rooster-tail of dirt behind. (Vegetable gardens seem to provide the most
fun because of their size.)
213.5a Green Gardens:
A later
version of 213.5, this requires the pup to run into the garden when produce is
green and between 4-12 inches high. The
technique requires the pup to pull up stakes or green growth. Scatter said objects upon the lawn. (This is best done just after a good rain
because the humans won’t want to send you into the house for “time-out” because
you are covered with mud.)
216: I’m So Happy You’re Here!
When your
humans receive company that you sense is too “high strung”, the “I’m So Happy
You’re Here” technique is warranted. Run
gleefully to the (“high strung”) people and firmly place at least one paw on a
newly laundered shirt or blouse. Good
definition of the paw-print is desired.
This shows your proper preparation.
Be sure to wag your tail (or what’s left of it) for effect.
Preparing for "I'm so happy you're here" |
219: “Help! I’ve Gone Deaf!”
The
“Help! I’ve Gone Deaf” technique should
be mastered as soon as possible. It is
best used occasionally and discrimately.
Randomly using this technique will keep your humans off-guard. Simply pretend that you can’t hear the boss
when he gives a command. (You will
notice that the pitch of their voice will rise dramatically. This is normal.) Caution: Use this technique only at times when
you want to disobey and your humans have not prepared for this contingency. Judiciously used, this technique is useful throughout
life.
Note to Pup: Keeping your owner “wound
up” and occasionally frustrated is truly an art form. If you don’t succeed on your first try, be
patient. New opportunities will present
themselves. Be sure to try variations on
these techniques. Be sure to sleep when the boss is awake so you can be awake when he
wants to sleep. Once you have
mastered these techniques, please destroy and bury this handbook.
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